


Secrets for the Mad

by no_clue_who



Series: hurt!sos [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Hopeful Ending, ITS DARK, Insecurity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Please read these tags, References to Depression, This is really sad, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29204301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/no_clue_who/pseuds/no_clue_who
Summary: He stared at himself in the mirror, he had gained weight since quarantine had begun. He wasn't working out everyday, he wasn't running around all the time. He was sitting at home, snacking and sitting on his ass doing nothing.He started touching his stomach and felt the fat that was there. He used to have a little bit of muscle there but now it's all gone.He felt disgusting in his body again. He didn't want to feel this way again, but he did. He wanted to feel control over something again.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Series: hurt!sos [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2197542
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	Secrets for the Mad

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this when I was going through a bad time mentally and was having a hard new year, I finally finished it over the past few days because the world has been kicking my ass.
> 
> I swear I love you Luke, you just were easier to hurt.
> 
> I wrote this using only pronouns for Luke to have it feel like he's distancing himself from everyone, including himself. I hope it comes off that way.
> 
> One more time, please don't read this if its triggering. This is mostly a vent.

He stared at himself in the mirror, he had gained weight since quarantine had begun. He wasn't working out everyday, he wasn't running around all the time. He was sitting at home, snacking and sitting on his ass doing nothing.

He started touching his stomach and felt the fat that was there. He used to have a little bit of muscle there but now it's all gone.

He felt disgusting in his body again. He didn't want to feel this way again, but he did. He wanted to feel control over something again. Everything was too much and he felt like he was siraling again, he needed to hold onto something and control it. He thought he needed it.

It started out slowly. After the holidays, lightly snacking on what was around the house and skipping out over breakfast. Every time he tried to justify it to himself he would say, ‘I'll have a small snack later.’ 

But then small snacks changed to a nice lunch, a nice lunch turned into an afternoon snack, an afternoon snack turned into eating dinner. Eating dinner turned into a chore, but he still did it, no matter how big or small it was. He was fine.

He kept having to reminding himself, but he was fine.

It was almost a month since he had looked at himself and he still hated it. He still looked too big, too fat, too much. He didn't look good, even after trying. He had to be better, he had to look better. 

If he didn't look better, would anyone want to be near him? Would anyone want to listen to him? Would anyone keep him around?

He was barely being held onto by the band, knowing that they could easily replace him with someone better. Someone hotter, someone who can hit his notes and make them sound clean. Someone who isn’t fucked up in the head. Someone who is fine.

Maybe they didn't even need to bring someone new to be the frontman, maybe they could move Ash from behind the drums and he could lead them. Maybe then they'll realize that they never needed him. Maybe then Ash will finally realize that he wasn’t worth it anymore. Maybe, just maybe, that heartbreak would be the nail in the coffin.

He looked back at himself, looking at the mess that he called himself. His hair was greasy, the bleach blonde in his hair didn't look good anymore, he hadn't properly taken care of himself in days. He was struggling, he was drowning, he needed something to ground him. He thought about what he could control again and knew he had to keep going.

He would only drink coffee in the morning, straight black noting in it to cut down on what was in it. Lunch he would hide away in his office so he could say that he forgot, and at dinner he would grab something small and quick, saying he was working hard. He never stayed long in the kitchen, knowing he would pig out if he did.

He didn't deserve to eat what he wanted, he wasn't good enough to. He had to be better. 

He had to keep going.

All he could really think about when he was holding up in his office was how unworthy he was of everything he had. The last time he had felt like this was back during the hiatus, back when he thought he was done, that the band was done. Before he had something to help him. Does he have anything holding him back now?

The day he finally broke, it was over a simple question. A quick little ask from Ashton that brought him down.

“Babe, you want eggs today?” Ashton asks, he was too happy, “I haven't made you breakfast in a while and I wanted to give you something special today.”

“Um, no thanks,” He answered, “I’m not hungry.”

He turned away, making sure Ashton could only see his back. He grabbed a mug and filled it with coffee. He could make it past Ashton asking him about food.

“Are you sure? You didn’t really have much to eat last night, are you alright?”

He dropped the mug in his hands, shattering and spilling coffee all over the floor. All he could do is stare at the broken pieces, it looked exactly like how he was feeling. Broken and unable to be fixed up. He was fucked.

“Lu, honey, look at me?” Ashton got his attention, Ashton smiled when they locked eyes, “Hey sweetheart, can you go sit at the table? I'm gonna quickly clean this up and then we're gonna eat.”

“No I’m all good, actually I’ll clean this all up for you Ashton. Don’t worry about it,” he said, kneeling down to grab the broken mugs pieces. 

He starts piling them into his hand, not caring that they hurt. He had to do this for Ashton, to show him that he wasn't incompetent that he was fine. He was fine.

“Hey, I got this. Please move honey,” Ashton said, grabbing at his shoulder lightly.

Everything in his head stopped. He looked up at Ashton and he felt like he had just disappointed every person in the universe, he had fucked up. All of the pieces of mug fell out of his hand, falling back into the pile on the floor. 

He started crying, sobs coming out of his mouth before he could even try to stop them. He was barely staying up, away from the broken pieces on the floor. He was shaking and he couldn't stop shaking.

He felt two arms wrap around him, pulling him up and into a chest. He just cried and cried into Ashton’s chest, ruining his shirt with snot and tears. Ashton just kept him wrapped up, rubbing up and down his back, telling him simple words of comfort over and over. He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve Ashton.

“Ash, let me go, I don’t deserve this.” He said, pushing away, “Plus I need to clean up and you need to eat.” 

“What do you mean you don’t deserve this?” Ashton asked, still wrapped around him.

“I don’t deserve you at all, I don’t deserve the band, or anything. You guys could replace me in a heartbeat and whoever you do would be better than my fucked up ass.” He said, more tears coming out, “You guys deserve someone who isn’t awful at everything he does, one who is actually good looking and not a greasy piece of shit. You just, you-you just deserve so much better.”

Once his confession was out of his mouth he was waiting for the arms holding him to remove themselves. To hear Ashton agree and tell him that he was out of the band, that they were done, that he should find a new place to live, he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

“You deserve the world, sweetheart.” Ashton started to say, shocking him “You deserve to be in this band, no one could even come close to you, you are amazing Lu.”

“Ashton, I’m too big, I'm too much. I can’t function anymore, I’m broken. I have no control anymore.”

"You aren't broken," Ashton says, taking his face in his hands, "you just need help. And that starts with moving from the broken mug and eating some food."

His stomach turned at the thought of eating anything. If he ate now, he wouldn't be able to stop himself. He needed to be in control, this is all he had. And it was slipping from his grasp. He couldn't lose it, he had to keep it.

"I'll move, but I'm not hungry." He was still crying, he couldn't stop.

"Come on Lu," Ashton said, help him move, "Just some eggs." 

He sits down at their table. His thoughts run around a mile a minute. He can't lose this, he can't get bigger. He can't fucking pig out and lose everyone. He can't do this.

"I can't. I can't or- or I will want to eat everything in this kitchen," he finally says, "And I'll lose all of the control I have."

Ashton stopped his pestering, stopped trying to have him eat, and just held him. He held him while sobs still shook his body. He just held him, knowing this confession was a lot on him.

"Ok, no eggs." Ashton says, "But maybe some toast?"

"No, Ash. I can’t-"

"One piece, you don't even have to finish it." Ashton interrupted, "It can be only one slice."

He just looked back at Ashton, all he could see was how much Ashton cared about him and how much he wanted him better. He knew that Ashton cared more than anything for him to get better.

"Ok, I'll try one piece." He finally said, "But only one."

"Thats all I ask Lu." Ashton says, getting up to clean the floor, "After, we're gonna talk about the control thing and the unworthy feeling."

"Please no, one breakdown today was enough." He joked.

Both of them laughed at the joke, he felt lighter with the laughter coming out of his mouth. He felt like everything might start getting better again. Maybe one day he'll think he's worthy of the love he gets from Ashton and the boys. The music he makes, the fans he's made, maybe he will be worthy.

"Luke, I love you more than anything." Ashton said, putting down the plate, "You are worth more than you will ever know." 

And he thought. No, that's wrong. Luke knew he was going to be ok again.

**Author's Note:**

> I know mental health isn't solved in one day, trust me I know, but I want him to be hopeful that maybe he will get better and maybe one piece of toast will turn into another meal he eats in a day. 
> 
> Also Ashton having no clue about what's going on is normal. If someone hides something well, you won't even know.
> 
> If you like this, please let me know!!


End file.
